Today’s Photohunter theme is “technology”.

This is Azar … aka Cybercat.
I just hope he never finds my credit cards,
or develops opposable thumbs.

From the Why Didn’t I Think Of This Before Department … today I decided to resurrect my cute little clip-on iPod shuffle and take it to the gym with me. What a difference it made! I’d totally forgotten about it after putting it on a shelf when I came home from my first operation. It was actually while I was putting new music on my “nero” iPod the other day that I remembered about the shuffle and so I also added some of my favourites to it (with just 1GB I have to be more selective).

Anyhow … wonderful! It not only blocked out the crappy shit they play on the stereo system at the gym, but I also couldn’t hear the pilates social club idiots yakking away … bonus! I also went a bit faster and farther on The Bike today. Well, who wouldn’t when listening to such fabulously energetic stuff as this…

Hey, does this also count as a T-shirt Friday pic?

Azar is such a hammy drama cat, and is also the only cat I’ve ever met with such a silly sense of humour. He loves playing tricks on people and seems to derive great pleasure from getting me to laugh. He’s certainily been extra frisky and silly since Sunny died last week, and one of his new “make az laugh” tricks is his death-defying walk along the back of the sofa, which he has been performing almost daily. The funny bit is, because he only has three usable paws, the various turns and twists he does  as he walks back and forth end up being quite comical. I tried to catch him in action yesterday and this was the least blurry photo I could manage. Am going to video him next time!

So, I don’t know if it’s on purpose or coincidence, but this past week Azar really has been pulling out all the stops. He’s been extra demanding in a “hey, look at me!” sort of way, but it seems mostly so he can do something silly and then get me to laugh and make a big fuss over him. He’s also being extra cuddly in bed, purring me to sleep and otherwise being totally adorable, bless his furry little heart.

Missing Sunny still hurts but thanks to Azar I can also smile again.

Remember last August when my friend Manolo offered me the use of his lovely apartment in Málaga? Nog and I spent a fabulous week there and I really fell in love with the city. I’ve been wanting to go back ever since and was especially hoping to make it there during the Christmas season as I hear they really do it up nicely in Málaga  – I’m a total Christmas fool and lover of pretty fairy lights and all such festive sparkliness. But it turns out that Manolo, who lives in Seville, has been using his Málaga apartment a lot more of late and so it isn’t as available for friends as it once was. But then it turned out that there is another option …

For the past few years I’ve been helping Manolo rent out one of his family’s holiday apartments in Marbella. And a couple of weeks ago Manolo called me and said that, because of The Crisis, and that the place has been empty most of this season, that I should feel free to use it anytime I wanted. It’s a small one-bedroom place not far from the centre of Marbella, right on the beach … but you know, it’s in Marbella. Meh.

When Jessica was over for dinner the weekend before last we were talking about this chance of going away for the four-day long weekend (December 5-8th), since a free apartment was available. At the time I was saying how this would be difficult if not impossible because I couldn’t leave Sunny alone that long, even if Nieves from next door came over once a day to check up on him. And so Jessica offered to come and stay over here for those four days. She’s not very comfortable where she is living right now (with a very “couply” couple), so this would’ve also given her a bit of a holiday before she goes home to France … she could hang out here, watch dvd’s, cook to her heart’s content and have a cat to cuddle (weirdly her cat at home, Chloe, is almost the spitting image of Azar! but with smaller ears…). And even though Sunny is gone now, I’d feel much more comfortable knowing someone was staying with Azar.

And so … wondering what to do. Okay, if I had my druthers I’d be getting on a plane to Marrakesh or London. I’ve been to Marbella a couple of times before and didn’t really like it, though it does have a pretty old town centre. But hey, it’s a free holiday other than busfare and tapas, and I think it would be nice to get away for a few days, especially as I have someone who is happy to come and stay with Azar. Bonus points for Marbella are that a Marks & Spencer has recently opened there (mince pies!!!) and it’s just a short bus ride to Málaga, so I should also be able to spend at least one day there.

Given that my next PET scan is in January, and who knows what will turn up with that, I think I should go for it. I mean, isn’t that what credit cards are for?

What do you think?

One of the pics in yesterday’s “life goes on” collage was my iPod and speaker deck, because recently I have been getting back into listening to music. And this past weekend I got to add this fabulous Beatle’s collection to my playlist, thanks to my friend Juan. Next weekend I’ll be getting his Bob Dylan collection.

What are you listening to these days?

Sunny was such an endearing and trusting soul who made loving easy. And loving has never been something that came easy for me. It always felt scary, and I was always looking for the danger signs that would show me (usually too late) that the person I’d chosen to love not only didn’t love me back but also wanted to hurt me. This was one of the first things I ever learned, beginning with my parents, and has unfortunately been – with very few exceptions – the rule. So yeah, I have trust issues.

Sunny had no such issues. He was born almost straight into my hands sometime between 10.00-11.00 on the morning of August 5, 1993. Well, I gave Lua about an hour to get the newborns cleaned up and fed, then I moved them to a clean duvet and commenced cuddling kittens. So I know that from Sunny’s first hour he felt he was safe and loved. Since I couldn’t tell the kittens apart at first I put Sunny’s birthtime at 10.30 – halfway through the whole birthing process – and curiously, that was also the time that he died.  At 10.30 last Wednesday he took his last breath. So I was there with him at his birth and also at his death – and during the sixteen years, three months and twelve days in between I did everything I could to make sure he always felt safe and well-loved. And a magical thing happened. I discovered for the first time in my life that I was actually capable of giving that sort of flat-out, no holds barred unconditional love that I’d only ever heard tell of. And it felt good, like I was being the person I had always wanted to be. Someone with a fearless heart.

And I owe all that to Sunny. He brought out the best in me just by being himself. Because of him I discovered all the love that had been trapped deep inside me and, because of his absolute trust in me, he made it feel safe to love him back. And that love was eventually extended to my other two cats … and the occasional human. Because of Sunny I had finally learned how to love.

I made Sunny a promise as he lay dying in my arms – that I wouldn’t let all that love die. That I would never “let him go” and that I would keep trying to pass on some of the love & trust he so willingly gave to me. Because as long as I can still be the person who loves Sunny, I know that this is someone I can feel proud of being.

Luckily Sunny’s little protégé is still here to help me…

~ Sunny’s slideshow ~

Today’s Photohunter theme is “bird(s)”.

Taken in Málaga when I was on holiday there last August.
Apparently it’s worth two in the bush…

Sunny was always meant to be his “milk name” until I could think of something better … something more exotic to pair with his mother Lua, so that I would have the moon and the sun. But in fact that name described him to a tee, especially his disposition. And the fact that he brought a little warmth and light to everyone who met him. Because everybody loved Sunny and he loved everyone…

I remember when the four kittens were born I wondered which one I would end up keeping and taking to Seville with me (I was living in Salamanca at the time). It was hard to even tell them apart, but eventually they developed more markings and they all had distinct variations of white toes. A bit later, after they started walking, I noticed that whenever I’d come home one of the kittens – the one with the most white toes – would always be sitting in front of the door when I opened it, waiting for me. And that’s when I knew which one was mine.

Sunny was the opposite of his mother and seemed to take totally after the huge laid-back Burman I’d found to mate with Lua. I have a photo of the two of them during their “courtship” and he’s the spitting image of Sunny. Later when people would comment on how big and fat Sunny was I would show them this photo of his one-year-old father and say – hey, it’s genetic. And it’s true. I did put Sunny on various diets over the years and tried to slim him down a bit for health reasons. But he was just a big guy, until very recently weighing in at about 6.5 kilos. And it looked good on him.

He took after his father in personality too. Such a gentle giant, though he was afraid of loud noises. Firecrackers, thunder or a backfiring car would send him racing under the bed. Otherwise he always seemed so peaceful and content, and whenever anybody came over he would always go up to them and say hello, giving them the opportunity to adore him properly. He’d clunk his big head against a their leg and then stare up at them with his big blue eyes. He had the biggest and bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.

When he was a kitten he had a few quirky traits. One he thankfully grew out of early on was a penchant for chewing holes in my clothes while he sat curled up and purring on my lap, or while I slept (I had to actually be wearing the clothes to make them “interesting” enough to eat). Another was playing fetch with olives. He started this game one day when I threw him an olive … he chased after it and after “catching” it, he brought the olive back and dropped it at my feet so I could throw it again. He would eventually eat it, after about half a dozen throws, and we both loved playing this game. But his weirdest quirky habit was his obsession with “being tall”, or rather, being up on a high perch. When he was little I was the high perch. I could be standing there doing anything and suddenly this wee kitten would take a running jump and scamper up the front or back of me until he was sitting up on my shoulder. He adored doing this and, while he was still small enough, I would spend hours with a cat sitting on my shoulder. Later this habit of climbing me got a bit expensive on the clothes, especially as Sunny got bigger and heavier, so I’d go and put on my thick terrycloth bathrobe, tap my right shoulder and up he’d jump, straight into my arms. And then I’d heft him up onto my shoulder. It’s funny that I don’t remember when he stopped doing that. But he always loved being picked up and held, even at the end.

The “being tall” thing didn’t only include me. The tops of wardrobes, doors, and even the hot water heater in the bathroom, all became favourite perches. Of course it was always easier getting up than back down again and he would often start squawking to be “rescued”, especially from the top of the water heater, which took me getting the stepladder and trying to keep my balance while a big nervous beast crawled down into my waiting arms. Half the time I suspected that his favourite part of this game was the rescue as I always made a big fuss about him being safe again, and would hold him and carry him around as if I had almost “lost him forever”. This was yet another game that wreaked havoc on my clothes and I took to often donning the bathrobe to perform these rescue missions. After we moved next door this game stopped. A combination of Sunny getting older and less spry – he was about ten by then – and that there are closets instead of wardrobes here, the water heater is hidden up in the rafters, and there are no convenient pieces of furniture near doorways. But it was fun while it lasted.

People who knew Sunny would sometimes fondly say that he wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the box, that it was okay for him to clunk his head against things because there was nothing much inside to damage, but they knew he had other sterling qualities. Mostly he was just so sweetly good-natured and trusting. Very “doggy” in some ways. He wasn’t particularly cuddly and preferred to sleep at the foot of the bed in his “guard cat” position, with a good view down the hallway to the front door.  He also loved climbing onto my lap and watching tv with me. He was totally ruled by his stomach and in the mornings would first try me, then Nog, if we weren’t up at proper breakfast-time. Sometimes he would sit there and gently poke at me with one paw. If that didn’t work he’d put his face almost nose-to-nose with mine. It was always so funny – and a bit of a shock – waking up to see those enormous blue eyes staring intently into mine. Nog usually gave Sunny his morning meds mixed in some pate and it was so endearing how he would follow Nog into the kitchen “to make sure he got it right” and didn’t do anything less important first, like make coffee. I got so used to waking up to the sound of those two in the kitchen, Sunny squawking away and Nog telling him that the meds were almost ready. More recently I would hear Nog trying to get Sunny to “just take one bite”, and then I’d get up and take over the spoonfeeding. I could always cajole Sunny into doing almost anything. Even the last night he was alive he ended up taking a bit off the spoon from me. His trust helped me believe I was a good person and he always brought out the best in me.

I can’t remember the first time I looked at Sunny and thought … my bunny’s getting old! Maybe a couple of years ago? It started with a change in the way he walked. I think he may have had a bit of arthritis in his back legs. And it was about four years ago that he was first diagnosed with having kidney problems. That’s when he started taking daily meds and having annual checkups and blood tests. I also changed his food. So in that sense I guess I did as much as I could, but of course I now think I should have done more. At first I felt so guilty that I had to go out to the hospital that last day, but maybe it was for the best because by the time I got home the vet’s was closed and I had to wait until morning. Otherwise, I know I would have bundled him up and raced him back to the vet’s after seeing how much he’d gone downhill in just a few hours. And I know that would have been futile, perhaps buying him a few more days at most.

In the end he died as peacefully as one could hope for under the circumstances. I’m just so sorry that his last day was such a bad one, going to the vet’s and then going from bad to worse. I hope he knew I was there with him. I held him all that last night and barely slept a wink. And in the morning I didn’t leave his side until he finally took his last breath. I talked to him non-stop and stroked him and cuddled him and kissed him. It’s curious watching someone you love die, how quickly your thoughts change from “please don’t go” to “please go now”, when you see that they are suffering and that it isn’t going to get any better. I’m just glad that Sunny’s final expression was a very peaceful one. He looked like he’d just fallen asleep.

Sunny wasn’t his only name. He also had a ton of silly nicknames that he had been given over the years. He was the Bear and the Dude, also my hunny and my bunny, little bean and beanbag (when he was a kitten) … I can’t even remember them all right now. But one I called him almost every day was “the sunshine of my life”. And he really was.

I miss you so much, Sunny. And I always will.

~ Sunny’s slideshow ~